Coup de Grace

And it's over. Again. He ended it the other day. Because apparently he just doesn't want to be in a relationship right now. You know. One two three.

Week 1

This first week back is already so hectic and crazy. From new teachers and classes to dance placements to freshmen moving in to turning in projects to everything in between, it's actually been difficult to find time to do things.
When I arrived Sunday afternoon I wasn't at the Strat for any more than an hour when I got a text from Ben asking if I was back yet (so cute). So I went to his room and we just hung out and talked and joked around for a while before I left. Then last night (Monday night) he texted me telling me to come over and hang out with him so I did for a bit but he was exhausted. Btw he just cut his hair and he was lying in bed with a black wife beater on, and I swear he has got to be the most attractive person I've ever known. It is so hard for me to cuddle with him and stare at him so close and not completely lose control. Props to me. Anyways we kind of just talked and cuddled for 20 minutes before I left. And then tonight he texted me at 8:30 but I was napping so I responded when I woke up and went over to his room from 11:30-1:00. And all we did was lie there cuddling. And I kissed him a couple times but he wouldn't open his lips because he didn't want to start anything. Which, again, is so difficult because ....well imagine it! There's the person you are most attracted to inches from your face staring into your eyes (you also like them a lot) and you just had a 10 day break which makes it feel as if you haven't seen them in forever. I haven't updated this blog in a while because I've kind of been waiting for something interesting to happen, but for the time being we're just on (a wonderfully happy) autopilot, so there's no real updates for the time being.
It's almost 3:00 I should probably go to bed. Haha Matt's snoring. I'm do glad that he and I are on good terms again. Well I'll write about that on my other blog right now, then I'll sleep. Gnight my selected army of faithful blog-followers =)

The Golden Era (Part 3)

After that kiss I spent the night in his room. On October 29th. The next day I spent the night in his room. October 30th. The next day I spent the night in his room. October Halloweenth. This continues for exactly three weeks straight.

The best part wasn't even the cuddling under the covers, or everything that happened between climbing in bed and falling asleep (every single night. hellz yeah), or even waking up and coming to consciousness to see him still sleeping next to me (although that was pretty fantastic). The best part was that we spent three weeks of learning each other. Asking questions and talking about childhoods and families back home. Eight parents, dead stepdad, and lost birthfather meets uptight family, screw-up brother, and arrogant dad.
He's such a beautiful soul. And I don't know why I believe that so strongly; his description of himself left a lot to be desired, if I really think about it. The first thing I learned about him is that he's spoiled. He literally gets a new phone like...every day. Okay not literally. Anyways when he wants something, he calls his mom. She usually buys it. He has internet in his room, an awesome phone, a Macbook and an iPad2, ...you get the picture. He also explained to me how superficial his town/parents are. He lives somewhere outside of Boston, I forget the name of the actual place, but everyone knows everyones' business. And the way his family acts is very stereotypical nouveau riche. Make sure the Christmas tree looks good in the window, who cares what presents are underneath? That sort of thing. Also his brother- apparently he and his brother hated each other forever. Basically the parents kicked his brother out of the house for being a dick to Ben. Making Ben the favorite child. Which, and this is so weird, but I think is amazingly adorable. I know everyone's supposed to hate the spoiled brat, the diva that gets more than what she deserves, and in a way that is Ben, but at the same time he's so...perfect? Maybe I'm just blinded by his cuteness. And the fact that he grew up in a screwed up town and came out on top is so strong and just...sexy? Maybe I shouldn't be blogging about him late at night in my bed. Anyways, the fact that he's spoiled is one of my favorite parts about him. Because it means I get to spoil him. I massage his feet, his hands, his shoulders, I crack his back, I...well....fill in the blanks. I love spoiling him. It's the best. He's the best.

Wow. Anyways. That's basically what our relationship grew to. Not that I'm the only one that gives, I don't want it to sound like a one-sided relationship. He's sweet. And he sent me cute texts. And technically he provided me with shelter for three weeks straight, so that's something. Oh and he bought me dinner! Being theater kids with no money (meaning I have no money) we can't really afford fancy meals that often. But Ben and I walked to this place on Broadway called ________. Of course I forget the name now. Anyways he paid for my meal. And it was so sweet. Ugh God he's great. Okay.

Throughout the relationship we would text each other things like "I'm so glad I have you." and "You're such an amazing person." Things that started out as cute little pick-me-up texts and eventually turned into some pretty heavy sentiments. It's ridiculous how quickly things picked up. But love knows no time limitations.

It was a perfect three weeks, honestly one of the greatest times of my life. Somebody that I had liked for a long time finally came out of the closet to me, and on top of that told me he likes me and was willing to break up with his girlfriend for me!! That's huge! Now imagine that plus three weeks of constantly spending time together, all the while learning step-by-step that this person could legitimately be the one. And each day was just better than the last.

Truly, an amazing three weeks.

Zero

That's the number of text messages I had from him when I turned on my phone this morning. Also surprisingly that's how much I cared. I feel safe, I feel like I know he likes me. I don't need constant proof. Which is a good thing, because it's finally settled in.

Also I barely thought about him all day. The only conversation we had was when he texted me saying "Sorry I didn't text you good morning :(" Or something like that. Apparently his phone had died and he didn't bring the charger with him to his friend's. Cest la vie. It actually means something that he apologized for it. He's definitely not obligated to =) Good things, good things.

I'm going to write Part 3 right now. My favorite part of the story.

moc.topsgolb.yaDsenitnelaV

Happy SAD! Yup. Happy sad.

Anyways, I love the idea of today. I feel like on a Valentine's day, everyone else feels the love that I feel everyday. And I don't say that in a "look-at-how-great-I-am" kind of way. I just tend to feel a lot.

Again, all my worrying was in vein. Versus artery? Let me try again:
All my worrying was in vain. There we go. I woke up this morning and thought "What if he didn't text me for Valentine's Day? What if he never texts me for Valentine's Day?" And of course I did the rational thing- fell back asleep. I dreamed that we were at a cafe, and my new crazy RA was there, and he called me "love", as in "Hello love! How are you?"

All that to say I woke up thinking about him scared that he forgot my existance.
Nope. All for naught. I had two texts on my phone, one from Nicole L and one from him "Happy valentines day :)" Best thing ever to wake up to. We talked all day. He got in some fight with his parents, got really pissed at his dad, and packed his bags and left the house to go live at his friend's dormroom for a while. Poor thing. I know what I'm getting him for Valentine's Day too =) There's a bunch of ideas, I have to sift through everything and pick out a winner.

And finally, today I told him that I love waking up to get a text from him. So let's see how much he cares when I turn on my phone tomorrow morning!

Valentine's Day

Singles Awareness Day. That's today. Well it's only been Valentines day for the past twenty-some minutes but still, it counts. It's like 3:30 for Ben so I wasn't expecting any sort of text message or anything obviously. I just am scared that I'll go through all day tomorrow and he won't text me at all. On Valentine's Day. All he has to say is "Hey :)" to me and I'll be happy as a clam. So...fingers crossed!

I don't want to initiate because so far I've initiated a good 3/4ths of the conversations. And I don't want him to know how much I like him because that would potentially wind up with me crying in my dorm room and writing a song called "Deja Vu". Ooh I like that idea...well at least I've found the silver lining on the thundercloud headed my direction.

Okay I need to stop being negative. He started the only conversation we had today. What am I freaking out about.
Also he said to me less than a week ago "You can always trust me." And he meant it too.
He's also told me that I am the only person for him. Well more on that later =)

+1 Fear

I get scared. Especially when a day goes by and he doesn't text me.
Well that's not true, I woke up and sat in bed for ten minutes because I was scared that I was going to look at my phone and not have a text message from him. Turns out I did, he was bored on the train and needed something to do. So we talked a little bit but then after he arrived at his destination we stopped talking. So basically once he has something else to do, I fall behind as a negative-priority. Cool.
I can tell I'm just being dramatic, but at the same time it's a legitimate fear dwelling inside of me. He's already dumped me once. Who's to say he won't do it again?